When The Tears Fall

Eleven weeks doesn't seem like enough time to fall in love with someone, especially someone you've never met. For me, eleven weeks was plenty of time to fall in love with someone that I won't get the privilege to meet until I get to Heaven. This Sunday, October 12th is the four year anniversary of the miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It's hard to believe that four years have passed since that fateful day that I learned my baby was no longer living. It's still so fresh in my mind, it seems like it just happened yesterday... It was a Tuesday morning and I wasn't feeling very well. I went to work and just felt like I was going to start my period, I was cramping so bad. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was spotting. I called my doctor and told him what was going on and he told me to go to the hospital so they could do an ultrasound. I called Kevin and told him what was going on, so I went home to get Kevin and we went to the hospital. I just knew that something was wrong, but I was praying that everything was okay. The ultrasound technician confirmed my fears when she got very quiet and just stared at the screen. I started crying when she said that she was sorry, but the baby had stopped growing and she could only see a yolk sack. I was sent back to the exam room and told that it would probably take my body two weeks to complete the miscarriage process. Two weeks! What! I always thought that miscarriage was a quick thing. I didn't want to go through this for two weeks. Well it didn't take two weeks, it took three and another trip to the ER in an ambulance. Two weeks into the ordeal, I started to have contractions and bleeding really bad. After an hour of bleeding through my pads and clothes, I told Kevin that we needed to go to the hospital. I started to get real nauseous, so we grabbed a bucket and headed to the car. I got about half way down the hall and I felt like I was going to pass out. Things started to get black and fuzzy, so I told Kevin to call 911. I grabbed the wall and slid down to the floor. Kevin told me later that for a brief moment he thought that I was going to die because I was so pale. Anyway, we get to the hospital and the doctor hooks me up to an I.V. to start me on Morphine and tells me that he's never seen anyone bleed this bad. Lucky me... Well apparently there was a piece of tissue stuck in my cervix and my body was trying to get rid of it. So the doctor got it out and gave me some medication to take when I got home and I just stayed in bed. After all that, I still bled for the next week, talk about tramatic. Going back to work was the worst because one of my coworkers was pregnant as well and we were due on the same day. What a test of faith for me. I sure did have a lot of questions for God in those days, especially why? I still don't know why, but you know, it doesn't matter because if everything would've been okay with that pregnancy, Curtis wouldn't be here. (I got pregnant with him 6 weeks after). I also want to share a song with you that helped me get through it. It still makes me cry when I hear it. It's from the Newsboys off of their Devotion album and it's called When The Tears Fall

I've had questions

without answers

I've known sorrow

I have known pain

But there's one thing

That I'll cling to

You're faithful

Jesus, you're true

Chorus:

When hope is lost

I'll call you Savior

When pain surrounds

I'll call you Healer

When silence falls

You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour

Of my sorrow

Through the darkest

Night of my soul

You surround me

And sustain me

My Defender

Forever more

Chorus

And I will praise you

I will praise you

When the tears fall

Still I will sing to you

I will praise you

Jesus, praise you

Through the suffering

Still I will sing

That is my heartsong, folks, pure and simple. Thank you for taking this stroll down memory lane with me. Have a wonderful week.